Thursday, July 13, 2017

how to accept the apology you never received.


We all know this feeling.

You have someone in your life for months or years, you trust them.

Tell them your deepest secrets, bare your soul.

You welcome them into your world, your home and finally, your heart.

You find yourself wanting their opinion on everything from a new song, world events and politics.

They're the first one you text when you wake and usually the reason you prolong going to sleep.

Your conversations are riveting and you find yourself learning things you never thought interested you before.

Items you brushed off as not important are suddenly the top of your searches on google. Bands that weren't your type creep their way into your 25 most played.

It happens slowly, you start to pick up the way they speak. You find yourself using their slang, emphasizing syllables in ways you hadn't before.

They sneak their way in, until suddenly you're inseparable.

You can't make a move without consulting them. You don't want too. Everything seems so much cooler with their approval and so pointless without. 

Then, slowly, it fades. If you're lucky it happens as gradually as it began. 

You make it to work or school without getting a good morning text, you manage to fall asleep before their good night rolls in. 

You find out that they showed someone else a band that was reserved for your drives and hear someone else using the acronyms that was an inside joke between you two. 

You find out that you're being replaced. You are suddenly not good enough for the person that made you feel like you were. 

Suddenly your weekends are empty and theirs aren't. 

They found a new you. 

They were holding auditions and you didn't even realize your time was up.

You don't have someone - and they do. 

You can let the bitterness eat you alive. It can rot you from the inside out, make you snarky, make you mean and turn you into someone you really don't like. Or you can accept the apology they never deemed you worthy of. 

You can take what they didn't give you, and move on. 

Know that although they didn't see what you had - you can. 

Find self worth inside yourself. Find it from the smile that creeps across your face. Find it in the laughter that you bring to other people's lives and find it in the love you share with everyone, not just those you deem worthy 

Find comfort in knowing you loved and gave your heart to someone who wasn't capable of doing the same. Find comfort in knowing they left someone who would never leave them. Find comfort in knowing you did the best you could. Find comfort in being the best person you can be. 

Find acceptance in knowing that you are someone that can put yourself out there. Find acceptance in the quiet nights you spend reminiscing over the good times, but a small pleasure in knowing you've escaped from the bad. Find acceptance in yourself. 

Finally, find peace in knowing you were all you could be. You gave a piece of yourself and they took it. Find peace in the hope they will use what you gave them. Find peace in knowing you gave someone the tools to be a better person. 

Accept the apology they could never give, because you are strong enough to know you deserved one. 

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