Monday, June 5, 2017

To Who You Used To Be.

 Hey, you.

I hope you're well. I mean that. I still check your Facebook and Twitter from time to time. I like to check in with your new friends, see them post inside jokes, make sure they get you like I used too. But, maybe I was the one who never got you.

Sometimes, I still think about our memories. The times we shared, which used to be some of my favorite memories, the ones I held close to my chest, now cause me the most pain, make me the saddest and cause my chest to pain in a way I didn't quite expect or know how to deal with.

I see your new relationships. As different boys come and go, I wonder who you have vetting them for you. Do you still get people to add him on Facebook or text him before you allow yourself too? Have you opened yourself up to a new love, to the ability to be happy, to having someone love you in a way that you so truly deserve?

I hope he's good to you. I hope he knows what has happened to you in the past and treats you accordingly. I hope he is never too needy (you hate that), but knows that sometimes he needs to be a little bit needy so you feel good. I hope he knows your orders at fast food places ands surprise you with them when he comes over. I hope he never wakes you up before you're ready to be woken up and I hope he knows that you never turn off your ringer, so if need be he can wake you up.

I am so proud of you. I want you to know that, even if I can't say it to your face. Every dream we shared with each other, watching you accomplish them from a distance has meant the world to me. I am so happy you found something you love and went after it. You deserve every happiness. I can't wait to see what happens to you next, where you go in life, and who you have next to you.

I miss you, in case you were wondering. Although the few times I have tried to reach out haven't panned out, I will always welcome any chance to converse with you. I apologize for the part I played in the unravelling of what I thought would be the friendship of a lifetime. Although we haven't been close in years now, sometimes I still think to text you to share some good news or to complain about something bad. Every time I remember I can't, it hurts.

We've never talked about what went wrong between us. What pushed us apart. I would like blame it on distance, timing or busy lives but that would be a cop out on what was once the most special relationship in my life. You meant more to me than anyone. My parents considered you family, and even though I wasn't as close to your family, I'm sure they considered me the same.

You taught me so much. You will always hold an incredibly special place in my heart. And I don't harbor any hard feelings anymore. I used too. I am not proud of it, but I was hurt and didn't know how else to express myself. A part of me will always feel that you left me, and maybe you feel the same. I hope not, but lines of communication get crossed and I know we both regret the way we fell apart (at least in my mind).

I know it's too late to go back to the way things used to be. Time changes people and I don't know you anymore. But I miss who you used to be, I miss who we were together. I miss the friendship that made me feel invincible.

1 comment:

  1. Oh wow in a way that was so deep and I could have related different paragraphs to certain people and then all at one person in particular.

    A lovely read indeed.