Thursday, June 29, 2017

When you know.





Do you ever find that you'll be moving along one day, thinking you have everything 100% under control and then you'll hear something, see something or something will dawn on you and it whips the ground out from underneath you ?

No?

Ok, Me either....

This doesn't happen to me a lot. But it has happened to me a couple times in my life, and excuse me for being dramatic but it really does give me a plunge in my stomach.

The first time I remember it was with my grandmother. We were talking about something when I was in high school (realistically, probably boys) and she just looked at me and said

This, too, shall pass.

I was shaken to the core. I don't know why. It isn't a novel concept. It isn't something Goggy made up, but to this day it is what gets me too so much and truth be known, I will have it tattooed somewhere at some point.

Recently, I was scrolling through twitter - probably when I should have been doing something else - and I saw a tweet from Corinne Fisher, co-host of the GWF podcast and stand up comedian.

She said:

You know how they say when you've found the right person you just know? It's also the same with finding your purpose.



All I could think about was this blog and everything I have gotten from it. Until now, I have never been one to be outrageously passionate about anything I have done. Even on my previous attempts at starting this blog, I couldn't fully commit.

I wasn't ready to find my purpose.

I have gotten so much from this blog in the short amount of time I have been fully committed to it.

I am so excited to write up blog posts, write about mental health, *try* to make you guys laugh, share what is happening to me, share what I want to happen to me and everything and anything I have left out.

This blog has given me a sense of confidence and purpose I have never had before. I am currently working on a few passion projects that I hope to eventually be able to share with you, but I am only able to work on them based on what I take away from this blog.

But, I am so happy with what is happening. I finally feel like I have a place that is solely my own. It has given me a chance to spread my wings, see what works and see what doesn't.

I have interacted with people I never would have met if not for this network of bloggers and it has caused people I had lost touch with to reach out and I think that is beautiful.

I am more confident at telling my stories as I go, and I would have never had the confidence to talk about this when it first happened, or heck. Even a few months ago, but the swell I get in my stomach when I think about coming here, it makes it worth it.

I am hooked. I have never had more determination, more drive or more fire. I am working on tackling something I would have never dreamed possible for me

I don't think I could stop now, even if I wanted too.

What keeps you coming back?


Monday, June 26, 2017

Answering your FAQ






 I know, I know.

Jayne, we have been demanding this for SO LONG.
Why keep us waiting?

Jayne, we need to know about you!! Tell us everything

JAYNE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE. I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING

Rest assured friends, I have listened and I am ready to deliver.

Q: Your fashion is so high end! How do you find such unique pieces?

A: Great question, reader #1! I shop exclusively at Old Navy and also any where else I can find a good deal. (Winners)

Q: HOW do you do your hair every day? It must take SO MUCH time and effort.

A: My go to hair style is a little something I like to call Body by Dry Shampoo. It is where you wash your hair once a week and then dry shampoo it until your hair is essentially white.

Q: What made you get into blogging?? 

A: I just had too many thoughts and not enough people to listen.

Q: Where do you get your sense of humour? 

A: I watch a lot of the Mindy Project. 

Q: How much does it cost to hire a photographer? All your photos are so professional! 

A: Great question! It's an honest mistake, but my photographer is my mom or Matt until they get too annoyed and they stop taking them :) !

Q: Cuba seems like such a well-behaved dog.. How did you train him? 

A: You just give him treats whenever he barks and eventually he sits or looks cute and I snap a pic!

Q: You seem like such a fun person! What is your favourite thing to do to pass time? 

A: I like to tell myself jokes.

Okay guys, I will be back with more as you all send in your burning questions, until then ... Enjoy your week!



Tuesday, June 20, 2017

To Me, From Me.

.

 I'm coming in hot to my 22nd birthday, which means I can now

A) Listen to 22 by Taylor Swift as much as I want and really mean it when I sing "I don't know about you, but I'm feeling twenty two"

B) Call myself an adult because I have been legal in ~EvErY CoUnTrY ~ for a year

and

C) Give unsolicited advice to everyone because that's what adults do!!!!

Aren't you excited?

In all seriousness, the older I get the more I can look back and see how many mistakes I made, time I wasted and just things I could have done better.

So, I thought, why not tell yourself what you would have done differently?

Write a letter to yourself entering those dreaded teen years, so here goes!!



A letter to Myself - turning 12

 Hi Jayne!

You're entering ****Jr High**** this year and SO excited about it.

You're feeling super old and like you know everything there is to know, about anything.

A lot is going to change for you over the next couple of years so listen up!  

Stop obsessing over being on people's Summer Friends list. Because if you weren't friends already, you aren't going to be because your name is on the super exclusive list, and second of all, they aren't going to call half of those people anyway! So stop worrying. Worry about keeping your friends that are your year round friends. Crazy, I know.

For the love of goodness, spend all the time you can with your grandparents this summer. I know golf is early, and all your friends are sleeping in, but go. Cherish every single minute you spend with them. It will be the last summer this gets to happen and although you don't know it then, these will be some of your favorite memories, so don't be a brat.

Please don't wear the tiara to your birthday party next week. Just do yourself a favor, because 10 years later you're still cringing about it.

Some new kids move into your block this summer, go make friends. They are some pretty special people, and although you drift apart in a few years they really stick by you through some really tough times. Appreciate them.

Smile more!! You have very little to worry about right now, so enjoy it. Play spotlight with the kids, and eat alllll of the ice cream. You're way to young to be worrying about your weight, learn to love yourself a little sooner - you'll be better for it.

YOU DO NOT NEED A BOYFRIEND.

You are 12. I literally can't believe I need to type this. But you don't. Boys will come and go a million times over before you find one that is right, so don't start so young.

Don't kiss the boyfriend because other people say you should because, yes, your first kiss was terrible, and awkward, and just all together exactly what you expect a kiss would be at 12.

It gets better.

When you break up with the boyfriend, use a better reason than it just isn't there. You are twelve. What was it? Was it ever there??

What was it??? Ten years later, I still don't know.

My final piece of advice to you is a doozy. You don't need to be popular. Don't be so obsessed with people liking you. The girl who claims she is going to make you popular isn't your friend. If she was, she wouldn't straight up tell you that you need to change for people to like you.

Save yourself the trouble, stay friends with the people who are your friends now. Don't take them for granted. Choosing to be friends with people who only like you if you change is setting yourself up for a lot of ups and downs in the friends department, when you already have some really good ones.

Spend more time with your family. Spend time with your brother. You don't know it now but this is the last time you two will ever live together. You'll miss him a lot, so enjoy it.

Remember that you are enough, sweet girl. You'll find people who love you.

Enjoy being a kid. It goes by way too fast.


Monday, June 19, 2017

When it rains, it pours.

We often hear the saying when it rains it pours, almost exclusively for bad things.

Bad things happen in threes, and Murphy's Law also propose that bad things happen almost always on top of each other.

I don't think so.

I think we get tested. I think that things happen in a way that will test your heart. Test your perseverance. Test your will to find the good in any situation and fight like hell to bring that good to the surface.

Once it's on the surface, we can revel in it.

Father's Day was yesterday, and when I was scrolling through pictures of my Dad and I, I came across one that almost made me cry just looking at it.



It was from last July, taken at 8:52 A.M.

It was a snapchat and while we're both smiling, there is so much going on under the surface.

Two nights before, I was in the hospital.

I had the worst anxiety attack of my life (and let me tell you, there's been many), and Matt was so overwhelmed with what was happening, he didn't know what else to do.

I'll be honest. I don't remember much of it. I remember bits of being in the hospital, but I was in such a state of panic and stress that I think my body shut down as a preservation method, to prevent me from reliving it.

The hospital had to call my parents. 

Dad drove in the next morning.

I was fine after. There were so many factors going on behind the scenes that contributed to that night, I am honestly surprised it didn't happen sooner.

I'm disappointed I didn't listen to the signs that attack showed me.

I remember calling mom the next morning and telling her what had happened leading up to that night, she said

"Do you want Dad to come in?"

I said "No, I'm okay"

She said "Jayne, he wants to come in. Is that okay?"

I just started to cry, so in he came.

My parents were 4.5 hours away.

Having my dad with me for those crucial 24 hours, was one of the most comforting, uplifting, heartwarming days I have spent with him. He just held me while I cried and cried. Talked when I wanted, and took silly snapchats with me.



I really think the world tests us, by having the worst happen all at once to see how we handle it, to make us strong and to make us appreciative.

Then we get the best.

Looking back, I am so proud of how I handled myself during that time. I can look back with a clear conscious and accept what happened.

It made me appreciate where I am now.

Now, I'm good.



Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Do we deserve it?






 I am still relatively knew to the blogging world. A couple months in and I hesitate to even call myself a Blogger.

If someone asks about it I am more likely to say "Yes, I blog a little bit" and leave it at that.

Unless I am talking to my mom or Matt, in which case I won't shut up about it.

However, I can say that throughout learning about blogging and the never ending research, tweeting, instagramming, hashtags, webinars, facebook groups and pinning (I barely pin) a lot more goes into a blog than I ever imagined. I spent 40 hours a week at my real life job and at least another 40 cultivating an image on social media that goes along with my brand.

Being someone who blogs means opening up in a way that I never thought I would before. I write what I wish people had been writing when I was going through my hard times. I have taken my twitter and Instagram off private so anyone can follow me, or retweet me, or screenshot my tweets and use them on their own.

While this has increased my interaction with fellow bloggers and I have met some wonderful people, it also opens me up to the world of "online trolls" and people who think they need to get their negative two cents in.

And it hurts.

As much as I wish I was a tough girl, who could ignore the negative comments and the online trolls, I can't.

Recently, I tweeted about something that was going on in the news, and it got picked up by a radio station.

When my co-worker told me I was SO EXCITED because

A) That's pretty cool

and

B) Maybe it would bring some new traffic here, yano, a girl can dream.

So when I finally looked, I was kinda bummed to see people commenting things like:

"Obviously... Who gives a flying Hoot. The fact hits made such a big deal out of this is gross"

or

"Anyone with 2 working eyes 👀  should of been able to see that."

While I totally agree these comments could have been waaaay meaner, they also could have been nicer too.

I firmly believe we get back what we put into the world, so I never can quite understand why you would waste your time shaming someone else's opinion.

If no one gives a flying hoot, why waste your time commenting then? Clearly you do give a hoot.

Maybe I asked for this by publicizing all my social medias, but let's just try to put a little bit more positive in the world today, okay? For everyone's sake.


Friday, June 9, 2017

Please Help Me.

 My birthday weekend is in 21 days ... 21 days AND COUNTING.

I've entered panic mode.

For me, birthdays have always been a big deal. I like to have #JaynesBirthdayWeek and for the most part all my birthdays have lived up to the hype (except for that one time I got dumped on my birthday, but that's a post for another day).

(Enjoying my birthday last year, with a 2/$5 Mimosa)

I am thinking I'm getting on track with the planning I have one birthday outfit already! A gingham romper from AEO with the cutest peek a boo hole in the front. However, since my birthday is on a long weekend I need an outfit for

Friday: At work + after work celebrations (A.K.A the Simple Plan concert)

Saturday: Birthday brunch outfit + Party outfit (romper?? It's Canada Day, please help. I want to be festive for both occasions.)

Sunday (Actual Birthday): Brunch + all day outfit.

So that is 5 outfits and I only have one !! I need suggestions - where do you all get your cute / comfy yet still celebratory outfits ?? I am at a loss, even though this outfit is speaking to me and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.. So I might have 2/5 outfits before too long...

Also, apart from Canada's birthday bash I have no idea what I want to do for that weekend. Friday night and Saturday afternoon / night are taken care of, but what else? I always feel like birthday weekends need to made the most out of. When else can you do whatever you want and people have to agree with you, ya know?

I'm definitely thinking Yellowbelly for brunch one day, probably Sunday because it runs later than most places and 2/$5 mimosas??? I am there.
But other than that, I am tapped. I need suggestions.

And a few more important questions:
  • Those big helium balloons, do you buy them yourself? Ask someone to buy them? Do they just appear?
  • What are some fun birthday themed things you can do on your birthday in St. John's?
  • Is it necessary to have "22" by Taylor Swift on for the whole weekend? Or will just the day of my 22nd birthday suffice?

I'm also very excited for this birthday because it will be the first one Matt and I get to spend together!! He was in Florida last year, and while we made the best of it, I am looking forward to spending this day with him and seeing what he has up his sleeve!!

In other news, there are exciting changes ahead for Caffeine & Big Dreams that I am hoping I can share with you all soon! I don't want to say anything until the I's are dotted and the T's crossed but I can share that it is something I am working really, really hard on and I hope you will all love it!!

Until the time that I can release this news, ENJOY THE OWN DOMAIN I HAVE. I've been himming and hawing over taking this next step ever since I relaunched, but I have been going strong for three months and it is definitely something I want to pursue, I pulled the trigger!!

That's all for now! Enjoy your weekend and please get back to me with outfit + restaurant recs!!


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

The Importance of Miley Cyrus

 


 There's a part of me that thinks Miley Cyrus at the 2013 BBMA's twerking on Robin Thick is akin to any other great tragedy. We all remember where we were, what we were doing and who we were with when we first saw it.

I was watching the awards and I remember just staring at my TV, mouth agape wondering how Hannah got here. My innocent, funny, sweet niblets Hannah was now a twerking, licking, spandex panty set wearing ... well, let's not call her anything.

But she was gone.

Her music (IMO) was better than ever, but her antics were mind boggling.

Soon after, the golden couple that were her and Liam Hemsworth was over, he was kissing someone else and she was kissing girls. It was too much for my mind to handle and you're talking to a girl who obsessively likes to keep up with the Kardashians.

Myself - and many others I am sure - attributed it to growing up in the limelight. The usual cop outs we give to celebrities who have a break down, get weird, let the fame go to their heads or the most offensive - in my opinion - She was doing it for attention.

I went with it. I was a Party in the U.S.A fan. I wouldn't make plans until after Hannah Montanna on Friday nights and if there was a marathon I wasn't making any plans.

Fast forward to the release of Malibu and the preluding interview with Billboard magazine, it's like something clicked in me. She talked about having to fall in love with Liam again, about how she's releasing Malibu because everyone is going to talk about their relationship and she wants to tell her version of what happened and where they are now and she also talks about how this album is her leaning into her roots and trying to reach out to people and create hope. As she so eloquently put it: "I don't think people are going to listen to me when I'm sitting there in nipple pasties, you know?"

TBH, I think Miley grew up. Unlike the rest of us who only has to delete pictures from our awkward, experimental, rebellious phase from Facebook, Miley's played out in front of the world.

Who doesn't go a little crazy when we get our first taste of freedom? Who doesn't do wild things with their hair - I have the brown incident of 2010 - when they get tired of the status quo? Who doesn't change what kind of music they listen to - or in Miley's case perform?

(brown incident of 2010.. who am I to judge?)

Miley Cyrus is one of the few celebrities out there who doesn't try to cultivate a perfect image. Taylor Swift rebrands herself with every album. Princess dresses for Fearless, suspenders and shorts for Red and an endless array of crop tops and bottoms for 1989. It is all meticulously planned and coordinated with little room for mistakes or anything off brand.

Miley is much more authentic. Her changes feel less like rebranding and more like her saying this is who I am now. It is refreshing in a way that makes me like her more and more. I don't feel as though there is going to be some big scandal that leave me feeling like I have gotten the wool pulled over my eyes.

Drugs? We know she was doing them and now she's not. Will she do them again? Probably but right now she has more important things on her mind.

Relationships? She's been in them. Stella Maxwell, Patrick Schwarzenegger she's been there and ended up with Liam so I don't see anything surprising coming from her.

Miley has been refreshingly authentic in a pop culture that is historically inauthentic. She admits she is now embarrassed of the Wrecking Ball video. She takes homeless children to award shows and has now started two foundations for the homeless.

Say what you want about her. She is genuine, generous and herself.

I think that is important.





Monday, June 5, 2017

To Who You Used To Be.


 Hey, you.

I hope you're well. I mean that. I still check your Facebook and Twitter from time to time. I like to check in with your new friends, see them post inside jokes, make sure they get you like I used too. But, maybe I was the one who never got you.

Sometimes, I still think about our memories. The times we shared, which used to be some of my favorite memories, the ones I held close to my chest, now cause me the most pain, make me the saddest and cause my chest to pain in a way I didn't quite expect or know how to deal with.

I see your new relationships. As different boys come and go, I wonder who you have vetting them for you. Do you still get people to add him on Facebook or text him before you allow yourself too? Have you opened yourself up to a new love, to the ability to be happy, to having someone love you in a way that you so truly deserve?

I hope he's good to you. I hope he knows what has happened to you in the past and treats you accordingly. I hope he is never too needy (you hate that), but knows that sometimes he needs to be a little bit needy so you feel good. I hope he knows your orders at fast food places ands surprise you with them when he comes over. I hope he never wakes you up before you're ready to be woken up and I hope he knows that you never turn off your ringer, so if need be he can wake you up.

I am so proud of you. I want you to know that, even if I can't say it to your face. Every dream we shared with each other, watching you accomplish them from a distance has meant the world to me. I am so happy you found something you love and went after it. You deserve every happiness. I can't wait to see what happens to you next, where you go in life, and who you have next to you.

I miss you, in case you were wondering. Although the few times I have tried to reach out haven't panned out, I will always welcome any chance to converse with you. I apologize for the part I played in the unravelling of what I thought would be the friendship of a lifetime. Although we haven't been close in years now, sometimes I still think to text you to share some good news or to complain about something bad. Every time I remember I can't, it hurts.

We've never talked about what went wrong between us. What pushed us apart. I would like blame it on distance, timing or busy lives but that would be a cop out on what was once the most special relationship in my life. You meant more to me than anyone. My parents considered you family, and even though I wasn't as close to your family, I'm sure they considered me the same.

You taught me so much. You will always hold an incredibly special place in my heart. And I don't harbor any hard feelings anymore. I used too. I am not proud of it, but I was hurt and didn't know how else to express myself. A part of me will always feel that you left me, and maybe you feel the same. I hope not, but lines of communication get crossed and I know we both regret the way we fell apart (at least in my mind).

I know it's too late to go back to the way things used to be. Time changes people and I don't know you anymore. But I miss who you used to be, I miss who we were together. I miss the friendship that made me feel invincible.




Sunday, June 4, 2017

Journey to self love


When I was in Grade two I remember learning about weight. In order to learn, our teacher decided the entire class needed to be weighed, with that weight written on the board next to their initials.

I remember being the second heaviest person in my class.
While we were only seven or eight, and no one ever mentioned it and probably never even noticed it stuck with me. It was the first time I remember being self conscious of my weight, of how I looked and of how I compared body wise to other people in my class. 

I was seven. 

Fast forward to Jr. High when I was bullied for my weight. When one kid decided to call me as fat as a truck and make beeping noises whenever I walked by. Tell me I had no friends because I was too fat. Pull out the chair from me when I was sitting to see if the room shook when I fell. Needless to say, I was self conscious of my weight and how I appeared to the rest of the world. I went years without going swimming, too embarrassed to be in a swim suit,  was uncomfortable in dresses because of my thighs, and didn't like wearing form fitting anything because I was too fat. 

Thank God for my parents. While they always encouraged me to be healthy and look after myself, but also gave me the self confidence I needed to get past my hang ups and feel beautiful in my own skin. I still ask Mom if things look too tight across my stomach, or does this draw attention to my stomach? 

And every time she says 

That's the way you're made. It fits you and looks beautiful. Do you feel comfortable? Then get it.

I will never be a size 2. But that's okay. I am healthy. I go to the gym, I run, I walk and I (try) to watch what I eat. But, most importantly, I am comfortable in my body and I love myself. I am happy with myself. 

I wear the trends I want. Should a size 12 wear horizontal stripes in a tight dress?? 

Who cares?? I did, and looked pretty fab if I do say so myself 


I think confidence is sexy. Knowing your body and knowing what makes you comfortable, thats sexy. 

Would I wear this without spanx? HECK NO.

But I know what makes me feel good. That's what matters.



PS - Click here to participate in my giveaway for a bottle of unreserved wine and a 25$ gift card !!!